On the Verge of Exploding

I'm on the verge of exploding. The edge of desire and sensibility. Prematurely, I'm speaking about the mixed emotions of chasing the dream. Moving away from my comfort zone and taking a giant leap of faith into an ocean of flakiness. Driven to rise above the doubt and find my nitch. The freedom of being all alone is both scary and exciting beyond my boundaries.

Taking this opportunity, and I am definitely doing that, is going to be the best thing I've done for myself. I have nothing attaching me to the present. No marriage, No kids, No mortgage. Why not? Why not take that risk?

Yes, it will be hard, tough, unstable and stupid at times. But it will also be everything I've been passionate about. That, my friends, is worth more than anything I can wrap my simple mind around.

Best Friend

I am lucky to have a friend like you.
All I have to do is text or call you and tell you that Im having a problem and you ALWAYS have the right thing to say.

Youre the cure to what hurts me. It brings a tear of happiness to my eye.

I feel so fortunate that you are in my life.

I have your back no matter what and I know you have mine.

You blush when you get compliments on how rad you are but I cant help but express them. They ring so true in my heart and in the hearts of others too.

I feel like I should give you a medal of honor for the crap we have endured.

No one is as strong minded and warm hearted.

I am SO lucky and extremely grateful to have you in my life, Derek Burchfield!

Obsession

I tend to obsess about alot of small things. One that I would like to share with you is my new passion for reading.

In high school, you couldnt get me to read. It was really hard to peak my interest and it sometimes it still is. Back then, I felt rebellious by not reading what I was assigned. I would get the Cliff Notes and research the book on the internet, but never actually read the book.
*Except for The Great Gatsby, Romeo & Juliet, Of Mice and Men and Lord of the Flies. I did read those.

Recently, I found a couple of series books that I totally dig. Ive been a reading machine! I once blamed Dyslexia for my lack of interest in so many words. (hahaha) Now, I realize it was just my stubborn self that was keeping me from diving into a book. At this moment, I am reading book #7 out of a series of 9 books. Im 100% addicted to these books. Its a truly pleasurable addiction. Ive never dreamt so vividly and my imagination has gone completely wild... and I like it!!!

Its too bad I cant read while driving... that would be interesting to say the least.

You can call me Bookworm Banda, if you'd like. :)

White Balloon

I took a break to run some errands today. I was driving down the road with the rest of the world, on our busy rush to do whatever we feel we need to do. Always on the go. After a long sigh as I waited at a red light, I noticed a homeless man on the corner across from where I was waiting. He was dirty and had torn clothes on (Mind you it was 40 degrees today).

But what I noticed first... was his HUGE smile and his white balloon. I looked down the street and there was a car lot down the block with brand new balloons tied to each car. Somehow he ended up with one and he was obviously very happy about it.

I thought of a favorite quote of mine. "Whatever happens in life...'they' cant take away your birthday and 'they' cant take away your smile".

I can only imagine what that mans life had drug him through. Although I dont know him I could tell he still had hope. I consider this a re-affirmation of something I should practice daily. That no matter what you're going through.....always have hope. :)

This Time

This time of the year is wonderful. Most of the people I know are happy-go-lucky. Excitement that surrounds the holidays is always a something of the magical nature. Christmas will pass in a blur and then it will be time to ring in the New Year. Just as quickly as it came, it will pass.

Personally, I get pretty jazzed about my birthday being right after the holidays. Its the perfect amount of time after the New Year to be considered another holiday. (I'm known for making my birthday the biggest event of my year.)

But this birthday will be different. I will be turning 25. "Quarter Life Crisis" mode will consume me. The cliche "Im not getting any younger"motto will be my permanent motto after this birthday. I worried and wondered about where my life is going and what Ive done with it so far, but that was when I was 19-24. This one will be different.

Call this my first official tear for this 25th birthday mark that will be knocking on my door all too soon.

Simple Realizations

Is it possible to fill an empty spot in my heart?
One with memories, feelings and so much more than a regular friendship?
I guess I didnt even realize this particular hole was still in my mind and heart. It became empty so long ago. I thought I closed it off, but seeing another person with the same kind of hole reminded me of how much I actually miss you. We were kin. More than friends, not ever lovers, but family in a sense of souls that are alike. You left me without any kind of explanation. All I had was your quick and brutal disappearance. And yes, it still hurts to think, wonder and dream about you, even now as I write this I want to try and get answers.
You will never even know that this is written and will never read it, but wherever you are, I want you to feel the fact that I have now filled that the hole you put in me. I can only hope that its always going to be filled with your replacement for as long as I live. I hope that my new bond stays strong and loving forever. Just like it used to be, but with someone/something new. I hope for that and believe in that.

Yes, I will always miss you. The thought of you. But now I will do my best just to keep what I have in my heart now. I KNOW that I wont even think twice about the pain; that hole has been filled with TRUE love.

A spark of interest

A very wise woman gave me advice in a difficult moment of my somewhat regular life. She said, that when times are hard and you feel like there is not one person who can relate, first off, there is almost an 99% chance that there really is someone who can, secondly, that you should try to write it down. Getting it down makes it much more real.

Writing? Pen and paper? So primative.

But blogging? Okay. I can be down with that.

Who knows, maybe it will work. I would be the first to say that I tend to bottle things up and then they all come crashing down on me in the most inopportune times. So, this will be a form of therapy. I dont need or want an audience but I am always up for sharing an experience with anyone who wants to read.

Id like to thank Nick. You've inspired me quit talking about doing it and actually doing it. Thanks buddy.