My Relationship with Music

It stole my heart, with its sweet sounds, before I could even read or write.
It was following me around.
I started to pay more attention.
When I grew up, it grew with me.
It never left my side.

Whenever my tender youth started to get rough, it was there for me.
It never got tired of me.
Waking with me everyday and singing me to sleep every night.

I started to learn more about it.
I learned how to read like it and play like it.
Our bond was stronger than ever.
There wasn't a single day that we didn't connect on a newer level.

It started marking my life with certain songs.
Flashbacks were driven by the sound of its voice.
I constantly laid in the dark, thinking about it.

I fell deeper as I became an adult.
I started to develop my love for it in a newer way.
I started to see it more often, live and in the moment.
We started making new stories together.
I was meeting its friends and followers.
I saw how others shared my love for it.


My passion hasn't diminished what-so-ever.
To this day, I cherish and adore it, more and more with every minute.
I find new ways to feel it shining down on me.
Its still like a shooting star to me.
Its the always changing constant thing in my life.
Its my backbone when I am weak.
Its my inspiration.
Its my best friend and my love.
This is the story of my relationship with Music.

Cruise

I've never been on a cruise before. I usually hate to say that I want time to fly by fast than it already does, but I truly cannot wait for January 2011 to get here! Wonderful friends, great music and beautiful destinations! What more could you ask for? Oh, how about celebrating your birthday out at sea!!! *sigh* I'm super giggly excited...







Cozumel, Mexico




Montego Bay, Jamaica






Georgetown, Grand Cayman Islands

Wanna join us? go to http://www.outlawescape.com/ for more info.

:)

I am.

My friend sent me a text that said, "tell me whats on your mind".
I replied with, "a lot of different things". He asked me to elaborate. This is what I said...

Ive been thinking about who I am and how compatible I am, for another human being. I wonder about all the things that I think guys/girls look for.. and how most of those things, I am NOT.

I'm weird and unintentionally mysterious. I'm a goof and serious. I'm nice and polite, angry and vicious. I'm passionate about small things. I'm a smoker and I drink too much. I cuss and laugh. I wear the wrong clothing all the time. I'm a jeans and t-shirt simple girl. I don't outgrow things, they outgrow me. I like to lay at my bed and ponder life. I like to party with the boys. I prefer guys instead of girl friends. I like to keep up with the gossip but don't gossip myself. I like to read books in the middle of the night. I like to travel. I don't know where my life is headed and I like that. I like to paint. I'm creative. I'm a lover. I'm a music lover. I'm scattered and scarred. I'm considerate. I'm a photographer. I'm a believer.

I'm not unhappy with who I am. I love me. I just wonder how hard I am making it on myself. I refuse to change myself for anyone. I guess that makes me stubborn too.

He may or may not have been prepared for what thoughts he asked me to elaborate on. Oh well :)

My Email to Dane Cook

Last night, Dane Cook posted a tweet on Twitter about how he was reading emails, to send him one. I thought, why not?

I titled it "One in a Zillion" and sat there and thought about something witty, clever or cute to write. Everytime I'd type something, I'd erase it. Finally, I decided on simply putting, "You're pretty hilarious".

Simple yet true.

I didnt expect him to reply. I mean, Its Dane Cook! Im sure he was bombarded with tons of emails.

BUT to my pleasant surprise... he DID respond!


Around 5am, the guys arrived at my house. Hearing them outside woke me up. I checked my phone and saw that I had an email, and it was from him!!!!! Today is an awesome day because of this. I cant express how much it means to me to know that these celebrities still care enough to read and respond to emails from regular people like you and me.

I'm all smiles today! Thanks Dane!!

Home

"Home is where the heart is"

I've lived many places. As far back as I can remember, I have moved many many times.
I lost count. There were times in my life that I felt like I was home, and then it was striped away.

Ive accepted that I am a gypsy of some sort.

But lately,
Ive felt more at home than I ever have anywhere else. I love it.

I love where I live. I love who I live with. I love my life.

So I changed the above quote to "Home is where LOVE is" :)

Haunted

Im having those memories again. The ones I tried to forget. The ones we shared a long time ago. Obviously, they still haunt me.

I wish that something would just happen. I need to know if I am wasting my time or if I made the right choice. Out of the goodness of my heart, I would respond. I would say, "come back... I miss you and I want to be friends again", or I would say, "I was hurt, I still am, please don't contact me." Something. Anything. The 'not knowing' part of this whole situation is a slow poison. Its keeping me from living my life in the present. Instead I am engulfed by those memories.


Even though I am not sure what I would say or do, I would at least like to have a clue.

This is me, sending out my feelings and energy, just so that maybe I can finally know.

Night Owl

Adjusting to the hours of the life I live...
Its a little bit lonely.
Everyone is sleeping and I lay here thinking away.
Thinking about the events of the day, what tomorrow will bring, what will be going on a week from now, so on and so on.

Being a night owl is not for the weak.

*sigh*

But I wouldnt trade my life for anyone elses. I love where my path has brought me and the crazy hours are just a small part of it. A tiny part of it.

Im gonna try and get some sleep now... I am sure that I will lay here for another hour or so just think think thinking away...

Goodnight.

The Best Part of Me, was always HIM

Last night I dreamt of HIM again.

He was searching for me. He found me in my dreams. He wanted to say he was sorry for leaving me before and wanted to reconcile our lost friendship. He said he wanted to stay with me forever. He held my hand as we walked in this fictional place. He wanted to turn our beloved friendship into more. He looked similar to how I remember him. My mind turned his hair a darker blonde and his eyes were a darker blue. The love we had before poured out of him and into the hole he left in my heart.
It's like he is saying, "I'm still alive, but I'm barely breathing."

I hated to wake up from this dream. Should I try and find him again? Is it worth the pain of rejection? I suffered a deep depression for a long time because of this. Is the risk of finding a reward, worth the pain?

*sigh*

Nip of Motivation

After a long day of laying in bed*, rich with several naps in between watching Gene Simmons: Family Jewels and Kirstie Alley's Big Life, I got a little nip of motivation.

First, I apologize for abandoning this blog. I missed you. I know you missed me too. I'm back ;)

I really want to start getting into shape. Well let me rephrase that. I want to include a workout regimen of some sort in my daily life. I always say that I want that to be in shape, but I REALLY want it now. I'm 25 years old for goodness sake. Contrary to how old I feel in my heart, which is that of a youthful 22 year old forever, I'm not getting any younger. Ive heard my elders say that it gets hard to stay healthy and in shape the older you are. I want to get a head start.

I used to have some 10 lbs weights but when I moved to Wichita Falls, they were lost in transition. Don't ask me how. Its a long story which I do not care to tell. Tomorrow, I will purchase some new ones! I would also like the record to show that I have lost 14 lbs since the move. I moved here on February 6th and today's date is March 21st. I'm taking the weight loss mystery as a gift. Its a sign.

Tomorrow I will start a new part of my day. I'm not crazy about getting rid of the occasional ice cream cone or burger run but I can do it. I know I can. I know I will.

I'll do my best to keep y'all updated.

**The guys and I were in Denison, Texas last night. The weather was crazy snowy and blizzard-like. The drive home would have been an hour and a half but the roads were terrible. It took us three hours to get home. We left the venue at 4:30 am and got home at 7:30 this morning. Needless to say, I was exhausted.**

Twisted Turmoil

Just a little something I wrote in a sad moment:

I'm going stale, waiting.
I'm going mad, thinking.
I'm turning numb, pining.
I'm going insane, wanting.

All the good signs lead me here
the pull makes me want to rebel.
For the sake of my heart, I should run.
For the sake of my head, I should stay.

I'm swimming in the deep end of confusion.
Sink or swim, I hope I can still win.

Absent light

Looking into your soul.. I find a light. It's not for me. It dims as I get close.
Is it Love? Lust? Friendship? I will never know.

Time is supposed to reveal this to me, but it has not. Your light was never meant for me. You are hardened by another foolish lover, so there is no water at this fountain. And I was thirsty.

It's not a fault, it's a trait. You can change it but you chose not to. Now, as I take my exit, you profess to another similar soul, about what I should've been to you. The many times I tried to open your book, you slammed it shut and locked it away. Pity is an ugly way for attention but if it helps mend the fact that I am leaving, then so be it.

Luckily for me, I am not hurt by this. Acceptance is easy this time. There is a light out there, that shines for me, and my heart will not rest until I find it.